Mungu ni wa maajabu. The way he created man and living things in general is a wonder but man’s creation takes the cake, especially where matters of sex is concerned. The position of sexual organs and their behaviour.
To single out man, (different from woman), the sex organ Mr. Dick is an important ego booster but it sometimes can be a big embarrassment. Picture this, I am seated behind my new desk (but do I say), with only my upper body visible to anyone else in the office. Today is my first day at work in a new company. I have already gone thru all there is in terms of orientation and since at this particular time it is not very busy, I am already playing FreeCell, but my mind has wandered. I’m reminiscing on the good times I had with my ex, whom I still adore by the way, and my manhood Mr. Dick gets excited from the sweet memories. So I become so engrossed in my memoirs and he is busy trying to burst the boundaries when I notice the boss gesticulating in my direction (I had ceased playing FreeCell and was just staring towards her office). Kumbe she wants me to go to her, which involves standing up and moving the few paces to where she is; now standing. Of course I should have told her to come over to where I was (just kidding) but I didn’t coz she’s the boss. Meanwhile, Mr. Dick refuses to go back to sleep. This is neither a good time nor place for me to force the juice out of him to make him sleep. The boss is getting impatient, I am the new guy and I’m taking my time to stand up (I wish angejua). Now she adds some sound to her gestures and calls out loud for me to move over to where she was. I could have sworn she knew what was up (and refusing to go back down), otherwise why was she not having eye contact with me?Anyway, I get on my feet, my feet are standing up straight lakini nimechora saba to try to conceal the now annoyingly protruding Mr. Dick. Made the catch phrase kudunga hema make more sense. The co-workers are staring at me, what with that posture, bending up double like an old man! The boss turns to a concerned mood and asks what the matter could be which I blurt without much of a thought, “constipation,” as if it is less embarrassing but si you know what a drowning man will clutch at? I can hear some giggling now. The colleagues who are having a side view can tell clearly that it is not constipation. I’m wishing, oh how the earth could just open up and swallow me! The boss seems to have been there before, the constipation thing, so she says, “ok. rush to the john and make sure u see me first thing 2morrow morning.” Isn’t that embarrassing even more? There are some more giggles as I head towards the john. Mr. Dick is dozing but still awake, that half mast kind of thing. I’m thinking whether I can do without the job. How can be Day 1 be this bad? I know for sure I now have a nickname. I’m not dying to find out what it is though.
Monday, October 23, 2006
MUINUKO
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Mnyambuliko wa FUCK
Fuck is an English word which, when used literally as a verb, means "to engage in sexual intercourse". Some evidence indicates that in some English-speaking locales it was considered acceptable as late as the 17th century meaning "to strike" or "to penetrate"
Other evidence indicates that during ancient times in England, people were not allowed to have sex withourt permission from the king. If a couple needed to have sex they went to the king and acquired some sort of permit or licence. Because this was hard to acquire, couples who were lucky didn't welcome interruptions so they usually hung a banner on the front door reading, "Fornication Under Consent of King." This was too long a notice and they abbreviated it to F.U.C.K and that is how the word was born.
In contemporary usage, the versatility of the word is such that it can be used as a verb (to fuck), noun (a fuck), adverb (this car won't fucking drive), participle (where are my fucking keys?), interjection (where the fuck did this come from?), or an exclamation (Fuck!). Fuck is also one of the few words in English commonly used as an infix, as in absofuckinglutely and infuckingcredible, along with several other expletive infixes.
© Wikipedia 2006.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
kurarera
i can't imagine that today i'm going to sleep on empty. the day was just jinxed since morning. i wake up kawaida and there are no edibles in the fridge. and that is just the start of the day, so i have breaksfast at a restaurant. i go on my kawaida shuglis and by lunch time i still haven't made enough dough for a decent lunch so i decide to fast like my fellow muslim brothers. but atleast i have had some breakfast so the hunger is not too much. anyway i decide to still save the money i am supposed to spend for supper by timing past 6.pm for the muslim housemates to break their fast and i plan to be there to feast with them. i have already said my prayers and fasted, or so i'm going to tell them. but it is not to be. i'm derailed on my way back and the feast is had without my prescence. so it means that i'll just have to spend on supper anyway. but there is only one problem. my day was not fully blessed so i got peanuts, (as TSC teachers) would put it, and the lady who derailed me also de-cashed me. now that means that i have to really budget if i'm to have supper and some cash left for one for the road. i decide to start with a one for the road then head to the neighbourhood shop to get my kawaida eggs and tomatoes for some ommelette. the shopkeeper is happy to have me as his last customer and i get my four eggs and tomatoes and off i go. i fika digs and straight to the kitchen i put on the frying pan and the oil and chop tomatoes in it. i prepare sembe while tomato is cooking and within 5minutes it's off the pot. now the last of my tasks is to break the eggs into the still cooking tomatoes. i pick the eggs and hit with the blunt side of the knife to break. i hit once and it just cracks, i turn it and hit harder but it just cracks a lil' bit again. i'm wondering, now wtf is wrong with these eggs? i pick another one and repeat the procedure with the same results. i'm getting worked up now so i start poking at the cracks with the knife hoping to make a large enuf opening to spill the contents into the pan. i poke and start removing the shell slowly all this while wondering what could be the matter, am i drunk already? only a glass of the concoction. but alas! kumbe the dude at the shop sold me boiro. i run back to the shop but of course he's closed. there are no other shops open. my tomatoes are still cooking. i get back and there is nothing in the pan just some black inedible residue. so i sit down and enjoy my ugs and boiro with half a glass of water. can the day get any worse? needless to say, the meal is not friendly with my one for the road cocktail. i hope the dessert, eno, will help ease any discomfort as i go to sleep. mungu atasaidia.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Forced Acronyms
"H.O.L.L.A.N.D" Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
" I.T.A.L.Y." I Trust And Love You.
"L.I.B.Y.A." Love Is Beautiful;
"F.R.A.N.C.E." Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
"C.H.I.N.A." Come Here, I Need Affection.
"B.U.R.M.A." Between Us, Remember Me Always.
"N.E.P.A.L." Never Ever Part As Lovers.
" I.N.D.I.A." I Nearly Died In Adoration.
"K.E.N.Y.A" Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing. "C.A.N.A.D.A." Cute And Naughty Action that developed into attraction "K.O.R.E.A." Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every adversity. "E.G.Y.P.T." Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
"M.A.N.I.L.A." May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
I read another one in a separate print about the B.I.B.L.E. Apparently it was written by a Mungiki follower. Mungiki believe that the BIBLE is an acronym for British Intelligent Book of Law and Entertainment. And looking at it, don't you think they might just have a point? I don't know what to think. It was a form of weapon to fight colonies in and out of Africa and it worked better than guns, better than the British had imagined it would. Religion, opium of the masses.
